The Three Hermits

David A Neves

The Three Hermits
(The Modern American Version)

We consider Tolstoi's three Hermits, but they
look just like three ugly, fat, bearded
white boys pimpin' along the water that
have been sliced into three parts, each
fatter and uglier than the previous;
three men of no obvious importance, named
Me, Myself and I. There is also someone fat,
bearded and ugly in his false boat, who dares
ask the unanswerable question, "Who M I"?
So the three begin arguing among themselves:

Me: "You have no part in this, you sorry
sonofabitch!"

Myself: "But I'm cuter than both your sorry
asses, but so spiritual."

I: "Do you guys know how ridiculous you are?
Neither of you nitwits have anything to say,
since you're both really Me. I run the show!
Who is that fat, bearded bastard in the boat?"

Me: "You are not ME, I am ME!
Wanna step outside, mo'fukkah?"

I: "That's what I just finished saying, you
Santa Claus head mo'fukkah!"

Me: "Now, why can't we all just get along?
Let's open our hymnals to hymn number 666;
"I Am Holier Than Thou."

Myself: "Are you shittin' me or what?
Who is that prick in the boat?"

I: "Let's just tell him to go home
and get his fucking shine box!"

Me: "We need to save his soul. He needs to
say 10 'Heil Hitlers', drink some Holy Water.
and call me in the morning."

Myself: "You know that shit just doesn't work!"

I: "So, what do you two assholes suggest that
we do with his 'Santa Claus' ass?"

Myself: "I suggest we keep doing what
we've always done. We'll just make this cocksucker
think that he's something that he's not by
blowing smoke up his ass!"

Me: "My sentiments exactly, you smart mo'fukkah!
As I always say, if you can't dazzle 'em with
brilliance, then befuddle 'em with bullshit."

I: "I'm friggin' freezin'! Can somebody pass me
another layer of clothing? Let's book, I'm tired of
this old fat bastard!"

Myself: Me too! Boy, you stink like a billygoat!
PEEEEE UUUUUUUUUU! I'm hungry!"

So they promptly turn on the "jetskis", and
motor across to "Frank's Chicken House",
(which is really a go-go joint), where they each get
a lap-dance and a "lube job".

Funny

Tolstoi Neurosis Schizophrenia